Love/Angst, LA - C.E.

"Love/Angst, LA"

There he stands, right outside my window;
majestic and huge, noisy and beautiful.
So colorful and wonderful and uniform
where everyday’s a new day and that’s the norm.
When I leave, despite the place, you know I miss you.
Like a lover long since gone, I wanna kiss you,
because you’re the arms that are opened wide
after I selfishly decide
to cheat on you with those other places
and fall in love with those other faces.
But like a drug I come back home
and here you are grinning madly because you know,
the slave always returns to its master,
and after long flights I wanna see you faster.
Homecoming, you look so pretty
but that I tend to forget how you can be so gritty,
LA, you city of lost angels.
Of lights and cameras - where everybody goes
because they believe that this man will make them famous.
And for a moment, when I’m away, I fall amiss
to the notion that your promises do exist.
And when you hold me for a while
I start to cry just like a child
because these road maps lead me in so many directions
and its hard to know where I should take my attention.
After being here and life starts up
I tend to find that my golden cup
is filled with ash you kindly gave me, LA -
I love you but you make me angst day by day.
You make me wanna be with you
but then beat me down, and when you’re through
I wanna leave all over again; stupidly, I admit
because you harvest all my fears and regret;
all the problems manifest while I’m away “living.”
And when I’m home I get spoon fed all you’re giving.
I wish you had whiter writing on your green signs
so that I could read every word and understand every line.
I wish you’d dim the lights a bit so I can focus
and what’s beyond the shadows and fulfill my cause.
These feelings play within me like that reoccurring dream
about the T-Rex that is always trying to eat me,
and I negociate and explain why he shouldn’t eat me
but still I have to run because he won’t let me be.
Goodness, LA, I just want to be free.
I just want reassurance and guidance,
I want us to be in alliance.
I don’t want you to be my addiction any more
than I want to be lost beyond your guilded doors.
I grew up with you, my love, and this is how you make me feel
after twenty years you make me still think that I’m ill.
You make my brain fizzle out
with so much emotion and doubt
and I’m left walking through this labyrinth of buildings and streets
and wannabes attempting to pursue their own feats.
Why am I the crippled one who can’t seem to read the signs?
When did my ears stop working and my eyes go blind?
I love you, take my hand and help me walk with you.
I don’t want to be angsty, I just want to be through.
They think it’s sunny all the time here and it doesn’t rain
but it pours in my head and the muck doesn’t drain.
Homecoming is so beautiful
until I see the damages that you behold.
These damages that sit, waiting for me
every time my foot crosses over your seed.
And I return to my bondage - those coarse ties
that choke my mind and blindfold my eyes.
I just want that one arrow that tells me where to go.
Try to love me, LA, like you promised me ages ago.