The alien.

I don't think I will ever fit into this skin
I can't promise I will always let you in
I don't have the guts to tear down this wall
I don't really feel I have to at all

I guess I'll always be the outsider
The one trapped between him and her
The one caught between lust and prudence
The one known as intelligence and dunce

These humans are all the same
Despite each playing a different game
I don't think I will ever fit in
I'm too lost and confused in this skin

Evermore do the questions keep churning
All alone in the answers I'm burning
Caught inside of a downward spiral
The world in hopes that it goes viral

Nothing I hold is sacred anymore
I am scared, running bare, nothing more
While my insides label me a whore
The other half contesting, "this's what life's for"

My heart's bruised and always in pain
From a time I've lived over again
Can't you see that you're not the remedy
In the end it's not you, it's just me

And we bicker and bark to be right
Won't stand down until one wins the fight
Here we are in the wake of romance
Together on separate hills, battle-stance

God, I love you but I'm so far gone
Nothing's left but the part that is wrong
All I am is an uncomfortable soul
Crying out for an ounce of control

Who am I and which way is okay?
Why the fuck am I lost everyday?
Why can I not sit comfortably,
In a world thrashing 'round like an angry sea?

Little spaceship come take me away
On a zephyr to another day
Where the sun makes some sense as it sets
Where my mind can for once take a breath

Where I step and I totally feel
Like I'm fine and I am actually real
Where I can stand in a skin and feel free
In a life where I'm finally me.

Immunization.

For the moment I am ill
From how the world makes me feel
Can't you see how green my skin has turned?

And I'd love to say a kiss
Is the antidote for this
But my heart is greatly bruised and burned.

I am waiting for the day
When the hurt will fly away
I will bury it far from my resting place.

My heart will be at peace
My lips give their release
The sin will no longer be inscribed on my face.

But when will that day come,
The hour, long from done
The hurt of my heart on-beating everday.

I wish that I could end it
My insides safe, defended
But this motion has me thrown in every way.

My Shangrila's penetrated
By the void that I've most hated
And the voices will not seem to dissipate.

Supple glitters glisten
Open mouths silent, listen
To the fireworks blowing steam while they congregate.

All the plane's a playground
Spinning your mind around
But I'm too sick inside to participate.

In this cage I'll stay in
Locked inside and wishing
For the day I'm healed - won't that be great?

Then I won't be a stranger
Immune to all of the danger
Immune to all the hurt the fun kicks in.

Dance in time and watching
Like everyone else is stalking
Immune and relieved that I'm, too, dead within.

The one who got away.

I wrote poetry because of you.
I write poetry because of you.
In pain and love, hearts torn in four;
And past the plains of time itself,
However far, the nights implore
Of a time of just us two.

Another life, another time.
I could not understand the rhyme.
Though paths were crossed and then unwind,
Until the world is now between us.
Life has come now between us.

And every day I never dwell
Until the whisper of the past
Fleets softly by my wandering ear
Until I feel familiar caress
Of a time that I once knew;
A time when there was me and you.

And then my heart flutters in pain
Until I forget it all again.
A memory now just long since past
In the shape of bruises, maimed to last.

Paper dolls.

Stationary paper dolls
You loved the climb, enjoy the fall
Here we stand all thin in fear
Torn the edges, hang on dear
The breeze, she blows so bitter strong
It could not have lasted very long.

It could not have lasted very long
With a foundation paper-strong.

Origami's fit to please
Every fold a bitter tease
Slight of hand and poof! it's gone
On written page a solemn song
We write and think, color and draw
In hopes to spin gold from the straw

In hopes to spin gold from the straw
Yet all we have are paper dolls -
Stationary paper dolls.

Memento mori.

Random bruises sketch my heart
A drink to you who fell apart
I lift the glass, oh glint and glow
As we drown, our sorrows show

It's okay to crumble
It's okay to part
Just remember every touch
You left across my heart
Just remember everything
That we held from the start.

Random songs that filled my brain
I'm standing here yet not the same
The world evolved, we fell, extinct
With nothing else to do but think

It's okay to move on
It's okay to go
Just remember all we have
Has nothing left to show
Just remember all we had
Is lain where flowers grow.

We held the board: "the end is nigh"
But still enchanted we couldn't die
Draped in black in realized mourning
Tattooed in blood: Memento mori.

It's okay to lie down
It's okay to cry
Just remember all that's born
Is surely meant to die
Just remember you and I
Have shared the deepest cry.

Rest in peace and feel release,
Forever answers Why.

Illness

I've got the illness.
I am one of them. 
It manifests inside me.
And this is the end.

I've got the illness.
There is nowhere to hide.
The red coats my eyes.  
The disease grows inside. 

I've got the illness.
Put me with them in the pen.
Sentenced to life.
And to rot, I'm condemned.        
                                                
I've got the illness.
Nothing can change.
My heart is a stone.
Only myself to blame.

I've got the illness.
Leave me alone.
This life that we had
Has withered and flown.
    
I've got the illness.
Buried we'll be.
Alone in his coffin -
For eternity.
Wrapped in a blanket of jealousy.
Boxed in - as God as my witness!
Don't look at me now,
For I've got the illness.

Ben of the Sea.

Emerald green eyes.
Freckles scattered like sand.
Chest broad like a dune.
Sunset equivalent tan.
Brown gnarls like seaweed.
Precise streamline hands.
Waves kiss your body
as it boldly commands.
Every curve a rip current.
Stay afloat if I can.
I was just a little girl.
You were already a man.
You were worse than a dream.
You were the real thing.
You were the first fucking being
I'd ever end up seeing
like a mirage on the surface.
No matter how hard I tread
the current swept you away,
lost to the swells of my head.
Buried treasure lost forever.
We were never meant to be together.
Just two shells on the shore,
that was it, nothing more.

Jonathan's Poem (from the Black & White Affaire)

there will always be that time

there will always be that place 

there will be the way you look at me

but you'll never see my face

you'll never see my heart

as it is buried in the robes

that hang as black as your two eyes

as deep as darkness goes

every time we meet

the reminder's there you love me

but our kiss falls short because we know

that it's not meant to be

however hard i fight

the good fight that God has gave

my body is the gilded cage 

imperfect perfection wholly made

and you, you perfect sinner

with an angel on your sleeve

you're beautiful in every way

though you're not mine to keep

you lock your heart inside a box 

and say you've lost the key

but i've seen the way she reads your mind

and it hurts that it's not for me

the pain of every word we share

the joy i feel when you smile

despite how wide the flesh wound grows

there is comfort in denial

i can't love you so i'll hate you

you murderous love of mine

and with every twist of your perfect blade

i find in you i'm more intertwined

the only redemption for a bleeding soul

so in love and in such unrest

comes with the twinkle in two dark eyes

and soft lips unprepared to confess

yet every time my heart does break

at the direction that you go

i see the love and i'm sure you're happy

and to survive that's all i need to know. 

And I beg.

Please don’t let me go,

I’ll beg as your finger tips slide down mine.

It’s hard to say goodbye at the end of the day

When all I want to do is relish this moment:

The way you beckon.

The way you whisper.

The warmth I feel when you brush my lips.

Feel me a little longer,

I’ll beg as your eyes stare into mine.

It’s hard to decline such a cup of wine

When all I want to do is drink you in:

The way you smell.

The way you taste.

The warmth I feel when you inebriate my veins.

Enlighten this sheltered heart,

I’ll beg you as I bind your life to mine.

It’s hard to believe there was life before you

When all I want to do is preserve this moment:

They way you control.

They way you crumble.

The warmth I feel when I realize you love me.

Completely Incomplete.

I’m holding the puzzle out in my hands.

Each piece is colored with life.

Each one has complied with life’s tough demands,

With my joy and my love and my strife;

My highs and my lows, my fear and my will

This puzzle encompasses my very being.

Yet with each breath these vibrant pieces kill

Because there is a significant piece missing.

It’s hard to survive with one’s heart in her hands,

When that puzzle is incomplete.

The suffocation is considerably hard to withstand

And Death is a difficult one to defeat.

Where are you, lone piece, that capsules that love

Of those days of yesterday?

Of those times we ventured out into the sun

And played where the wild things play?

That piece – which does hold him in a time,

In a memory under such heavenly stars,

Like a dream without any direction or rhyme

But left with painfully wakening scars.

That piece – which does hold him in this cage

And pumps life through my every vein –

Won’t keep me alive while it’s in his land so strange

Some ten thousand miles away.

Pump, pump .. pump … pump …

[written on 12/16]

The Road Yet Traveled Under a Blue Moon.

It hasn't been too long
but what I feel inside is strong.
It's hard to believe that this could be
what it feels like, I'm so happy.
Where did you come from,
make me smile though I feel dumb;
Your eyes, a story, curving roads
from the start, but where do they go?
Where do they lead,
yet to the place inside of me,
to a factured place inside my heart.
No need to document end or start -
it's the journey of adventures
that dwell as we mention
several places to pull over and wander.
You make me start to ponder
what this distance could mean;
too soon, it may be,
but it feels so right!
And at the end of the day, dead of night
I search off into the void
that could be your soul
but it's a scavenger hunt of things unknown.
And as afriad of the dark as I am,
searching inside you makes me a fan
of what possiblities could manifest
should we continue this inward quest.
This side of me isn't easily achieved
but somehow you make her come out of me,
like I have two faces hidden behind a central mask
that no one could have pulled off in such a task.
How do you do it,
make me feel the way I do?
Like my fairy tale dream is possibly coming true?
Never was meant to be a pricness
but you make me feel like such a mess
in muddled thoughts and conversations,
my confused tongue in aggrevation
because making sense isn't supposed to be a chore.
It never ever was before
the day you should showed up under a Blue Moon
and the night flew by so soon
into weeks of what has started this journey.
I didn't mean to fall in love in such a hurry
but one cannot deny how she feels
when her inner self is all giggles and squeals;
how you became such a big deal
isn't something I can continue to conceal.
It's out in the open, this new shade of red
that has taken over the ethinicity that once colored my head.
Let's trek it, this road of mystery
in store for us - let's make a history,
a text book that you love to read
penned by us, the first chapter of You and Me.
How many thereafter, this knowledge unknown;
all I know is that I'm keen if you're ready to go.

by C.E.